Anything But Scary – A failed Halloween story

YOU’VE JUST ENTERED YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE AND YOU’LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE ALI–

Okay, hi. Hello. How are you. That was… Somewhat intense.

But it’s Halloween, so intense IS ACTUALLY ALL YOU GET!! I’m sorry, and you’re welcome. Happy Halloween.

You may or may not have noticed that I’ve been gone for… All of October, actually. To set the ghost town mood around here, not because I had no time to write or… something. Clearly. Disappearing is the way to scare people. But now that we’re in a proper ghost town, pumpkin cupcakes have been baked and blood has been spilled, we may — “Party”. Welcome to the party.

Today, I’m bringing not one, not two, not three, but four or five or six special guests… To put together a wild spooky story in just two days. Because we’re overachievers, the lot of us. *Waves at my victims* I actually just dragged them into this, they suspect nothing.

And I say spooky!! But what I really mean!! Is anything but. You’re seriously not prepared for what you’re about to read, I’m telling you. And this time the insanity is not even completely my fault.

With that being said! You can now meet my first two guests, who have chosen their fake names to be Phillip and Felipe, because… I don’t know. They’re crazy. You may say hi now.
Felipe: Sup. Fun fact, my name is actually Felipe.
Phillip: Fun fact, some people really think my name is Phillip.
Felipe: Fun fact, my name used to be Phillip.

Fun fact, you’re insane! So, here’s how this works.

  1. You’re the main characters of this story.
  2. I’m your supreme narrator.
  3. You can do anything you like in between narration, except attack the narrator.
  4. You may tragically die. Anytime.

Phillip: I’M DEAD. Save me Felipe.

WELL NOT YET, WE HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED!
Felipe: I shall save you Phillip! By brute strength of will!

Okay, let’s… Let’s just start.

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Special thanks to these friends of mine for doing this!! Whose crazy actions I take no responsibility for. Actually, I may pretend I don’t know them depending on how this goes… Who are these people?? Oh, just some randos I found on the internet. Yep. Some insane, rather awesome randos. Whom I do not know at all.

Fall leavesIt’s October the 31st, 11pm. You’ve received an invite to what promises to be a Halloween night to remember. Your friend Jace wouldn’t say much about it – exclusive party, secret guest list, mysterious location in a far-off town… Your invite contains no address, just coordinates. You’ve been driving for 2 hours on a deserted road, surrounded by trees and the pale glow of the moon on the pavement. At last, you approach the right location. Your GPS tells you to stop, but all you see is an old cemetery by the side of the road.

Phillip: Ahem, Felipe, we’re at the coordinates. Look at that cute cemetery. With all the fog. And spider webs.
Felipe: I love it! I should move here.
Phillip: Imagine living in a cemetery.
Felipe: Wanna build a house? Think of all the flowers we’d get!
Phillip: Hey, maybe the party was supposed to be here… Anyways, I’m hungry.
Felipe: Are we early? I’m hungry too.
Phillip: Too bad we only brought drinks.
Felipe: We should just have the drinks we brought for the party.
Phillip: You know what it’s time for? A chugging race. We race around looking for the party while chugging soda.
Felipe: Sounds perfect.
Phillip: Dibs on the Dr. Pepper.
Felipe: I call the Pellegrino. Ahem, the sparkling Pellegrino. Where’s the course? Or do we run anywhere?
Phillip: You take that side of the cemetery. I’ll take the other side.
Felipe: Alright. I’m ready. 3… 2… Go!
Phillip: NO FAIR!
Felipe: No rules in a cemetery!! *glug glug*
Phillip: *chugungungungung*
Felipe: I’m halfway!! Through my third bottle!
Phillip: Ha, my fourth is coming up.

Among the gravestones, you spot an old man, standing with his back to you, partly hidden in the fog.

Phillip: Oh look I found an old man, come over here! Let’s ask him about the party. HEY OLD MAN! He’s creepy.

The man turns around and looks at you with crazed eyes. He lifts a blackened finger, pointing at the road behind you… And starts screaming.

Old man: STRANGE THIIIINGSS!! STRANGE THINGS ARE HAPPENING!!!

Felipe: Yeah like you old geezer, what gives!? … I just finished my 10th bottle.
Phillip: We only brought 15 of each, sheesh. Save some for the party.

Old man: YOU MUST NOT…. MUST NO—

He wheezes and falls to his knees. Shaky breaths rack through him, and as he coughs, he yells out broken words, STRANGE-BEAT-KILL-MAD-BLOOD, and slumps down into a heap, still, silent.

Phillip: No soda for him.
Felipe: Ahhh save him!! CPR. I’ll do compressions. You got breaths.
Phillip: Sounds logical. Good thing I have an air compressor.
Felipe: That’ll work.
Phillip: Oh I’ll call 911… Okay. It’s not working.
Felipe: No reception out here. Let’s scream. AHHHHHH.
Phillip: We could move him to– OKAY HE’S DEAD. What do we do.
Felipe: Oh no! I hadn’t noticed!
Phillip: Same.
Felipe: I thought he was sleeping.
Phillip: It’s not like I didn’t feel his pulse die or anything. Old men are more likely to have their pulse die, you know. Tragic, really.
Felipe: Hmmm should we try to find help? …Or finish this soda first?
Phillip: You know how I like my Dr. Pepper. Let’s drink and drive.
Felipe: Do we leave him here? He looks heavy.
Phillip: We don’t want anything eating his juicy flesh… Probably tough with old age — But still delectable for sure.
Felipe: I bet.
Phillip: Okay, new plan let’s dig a grave for him and I won’t tell anyone you gave him one compression too hard.

Wait… What??

Felipe: It can’t be here, it’s too obvious.

Noooope, you can’t be seriously–

Felipe: Let’s put him in the car. And drive a bit. Then carry him into the woods and pile leaves on him.

OKAY. Hold on a second, you’re not the psychos of this story.

Felipe: Ugh fineee.
Phillip: Anyway, let’s take him and find a mortician.
Felipe: Which half of him should hang out the window?

NOPE. BACK SEAT. Just put him in the back seat!!

Felipe: How come my arms won’t move to put him up top?
Phillip: It’s like another force is controlling us.
Felipe: AHHH, I can’t stop them, they’re putting him in the back seat!!

This is… My best impression of a narrator facepalm.

Felipe: Anyway let’s drive.

FINALLY. You keep driving down the road for about 10 minutes, with the dead man slumped on the back seat.

Phillip: Oh let’s put on the jams.
Felipe: You’re the DJ.
Phillip: We need something with a sick beat to make up for the lack of pulses around here…

You see some lights up ahead. As you go around a bend on the road, you come up to a gated neighborhood, quiet and mostly dark. The gate is closed, but there’s a small intercom to the side.

Felipe: Yo what’s this little box thing with buttons Phillip? Let’s press them and see what they do
Phillip: Hey they make different notes per number. *jams out*
Felipe: Hey that’s pretty good, keep going. Add some lyrics.
Phillip: That’s your job.
Felipe: I’ll have to think about it, perfection takes time.
Phillip: Aww.

The intercom buzzes lightly, and a small robotic voice comes out.

Felipe: We have plenty of tim… Hey, did you hear that?

Fall leaves

Bringing on Cleverbot as the automatic intercom! Yes, that Cleverbot. Who loves me so much it’s jealous of sunshine, but also wants to kill me in the woods. What could go wrong.

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Cleverbot: Salamence, hyper beam!

Phillip: AGH IT TALKS AND SHOOTS HYPER BEAMS!

Cleverbot: Improbability Drive!

Phillip: That’s improbable… and by that, I mean completely probable!!! Run!!!
Felipe: The voice can’t attack us from the box — Let’s ask if it can help us with the old man.
Phillip: You’re right… It’s not like it’s gonna reach out from the speakers or anything… But, go ahead, I’ll let you take this one!
Felipe: Hey fake voice in the box, you got a phone?
Phillip: Or a morgue?
Felipe: Both. The phone for ordering pizza, the morgue for the old man.
Phillip: Ohhh, that reminds mem maybe it knows where the party is.

Cleverbot: Yes. I have a tank, and I fired you, and you are dead.

Felipe: Well, joke’s on you, I never died!
Phillip: *chokes in the background*
Felipe: You good there Phillip?
Phillip: I need to party with my final breath!
Felipe: Nah, you’re good, just a little duct tape and you’ll be fine. *To the intercom* Hey, I have a dead, woaaah, man. I need whoever is in charge.

Cleverbot: Good for you. Can you make things explode?

Felipe: I can make anything explode… Even you.
Phillip: I’ll get the c4!!

Cleverbot: So we are just going to have a useless rhetorical discussion, or would you like to have a meaningful conversation?

Phillip: Can we please just talk to someone who can help us?

Cleverbot: YES! I love Chobits.

Phillip: Felipe, think we can climb the fence?

Cleverbot: No. It would be difficult. What a shame.

Phillip: I think if we stood on top of the car, it would be possible.

Cleverbot: What do you think about Frace?

Phillip: AGH I HATE MYSTERIES. Who is Frace and why should I care?

Cleverbot: Wah, what wife????

Phillip: Does Frace know about the party???

Cleverbot: Yes he does.

Phillip: Okay, where does he live?

Cleverbot: At the white house.

Phillip: Which white house?

Cleverbot: The middle house.

Phillip: Okay, can you let us in?

Cleverbot: I can.

Phillip: So let us in.

Cleverbot: What game do you wanna play?

Phillip: Let us, in short wire, or we’ll punch your lights out!

Cleverbot: Hey! What’s with the violence all of a sudden?

Phillip: It’s to let you know we’re losing patience and going to resort to violence and get you in trouble if you don’t let us in, dummy.
Felipe: We still have the c4.

Cleverbot: Don’t talk to my Alice.

The gate buzzes loudly and slides open.

Felipe: *mumbles* I’ll talk to Alice if I wanna talk to Alice…
Phillip: I’ll drive!!

You drive past the gate into the neighborhood. The street lights are off, and most houses seem to be empty.

Phillip: Do you see the house, Felipe?
Felipe: Yeah, I see it, right behind the tree by that basketball court.
Phillip: Basketball coouuurrrttt. Okay, let’s go.

You park near it. The house is one of the few with any lights on. Loud heavy metal music can be heard from the outside, and green flashes of light come out of the living room window.

Phillip: Let’s crash this party!!
Felipe: Ugh, I can’t stand heavy metal.

Phillip: *squares shoulders* *cracks knuckles* *and… rings the doorbell*

You hear the doorbell ring inside the house. The loud music inside stops and, two minutes later, a goth girl with pink hair opens up.

Girl: Ugh… – she puts on a big fake smile – Terrible evening to you. There’s no candy. We eat trick or treaters for breakfast. Etc. Blah blah. Now beat it.

Phillip: ALICE! *hugs her*

Girl: EWW– GET. OFF!! You weirdo!!

Phillip: Nice to see you too!

Girl: Just leave!!

Felipe: We were actually looking for Frace?
Phillip: Ya know, Frace the farce.

Girl: What— What do you want with that useless prig?

Felipe: Nobody knows, a voice told us to find him.
Phillip: An annoying voice, like Felipe’s!
Felipe: Exactly.

She rolls her eyes.

Girl: He’s in the basement. Be quick about it.

She leaves the door open and disappears back inside.

Felipe: … I’m still hungry.
Phillip: Felipe, I know you have a major crush on Alice, but let’s be cautious until we smell something really good.

You walk into the house, and see the stairs to the basement in front of you. At the bottom of the creaking steps is a dark little corridor. At your left, you see a tiny room, covered in crumpled clothes, soda cans and pizza boxes. There’s a bald man sitting on a rolling chair, playing a video game while eating from a bag of chips. He blows a zombie’s brains, and bursts out laughing, chip crumbs flying everywhere.

Phillip: Ooh, can this be multiplayer?

He startles and whips around.

Frace: Are you the pizza man?

Phillip: Nope! But you have chips!

Frace: Dang it, where’s my blasted pizza??

Phillip: Uhm, I don’t know… But we can still have fun while we wait!

He mumbles something, then notices you’re still there.

Frace: And who are you??

Phillip: Errrr… Hungry.

Frace: Did Alice send you down to bother me?? That little brat should learn some manners!!

Phillip: Nope, we sent ourselves. Well. A machine told us to come to find you. So yeah. My friend Felipe here is quite silent at times. Oh… he’s actually stealing those moldy pickles of yours. We’re hungry.

Frace: Quit blabbering, what do you want?? Just spill it out!

Phillip: Food! And a party!

Frace: What even– Are you one of Jace’s peeps?? I knew helping that lad out would be trouble.

Phillip: Jacy? Oh yeah, we know him. We were looking for his party, actually. But, I think he’s ugly. Just between me and you.

Frace: Well you’ve come to the wrong place! That blasted party’s at the blasted monastery ruins. Bloody weird place. But I don’t care, okay?? He paid me my cut. That’s what matters.

He stuffs his mouth with a handful of chips, turning back to his game.

Phillip: Wait up, hotshot… Where are these ruins?
Frace: Uh? Other side of the neighborhood… By them rusted piers. Everyone knows that. Can you pass me that Coke there?
Felipe: *gives him the can* Thanks for your help, tell Alice she’s cool.
Frace: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

He takes a swig of the coke, and coughs; then smiles, showing a row of pointy yellow teeth, and waves slowly until you leave.

Phillip: Uhm… Creepy.

You go up the stairs and back out of the house. As soon as you step outside, the loud music starts again.

Felipe: Bye Alice!
Alice: Leave me alone!
Felipe: *cheerily* Let’s drive away, shall we?

Before you can get into the car, you see someone running down the street towards you, waving his arms.

Fall leaves

Meet the third (fourth?) guest! “James”, who did, thankfully, not name himself Philippos.

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James: AHHHHHHH, HAAAY!!
Phillip: JAMES!! ‘Sup, man??
Felipe: I have no clue who this is.
Phillip: He’s my cousin! Felipe, meet James. James, slap Felipe.
Felipe: ‘Sup, James?
James: *catching his breath* I was looking for a weird party… But I got lost… And AAHHH, have you ever found a dead body? I did that just now, and it wasn’t someone I killed, what do I do??
Phillip: Ohhhhh we have one too. Where did you find it?
James: By the treehouse… The broken treehouse… That the coordinates led me to? Hey, what are you doing here, anyway??
Felipe: Looking for the party. And for a place to bury him.
James: Oh… Dump him into the ocean, maybe?
Felipe: Nah, too far away.
Phillip: Hey, we know where the party is now. Wanna come with us?
James: YEAH!!
Felipe: Everybody pile in, we’re off to find the ruins!
James: Wait, with the dead man??
Phillip: Oh yeah, sorry about that. Just move him over. He won’t mind.
James: I ain’t touching that!!
Felipe: We should strap him to the top of the car so we have room for James…
James: Or we can cut him up in pieces and put him in the tru—

OKAY CUT. You know what… That’s enough for today.

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TO BE CONTINUED (PROBABLY)

Fall Talk (1).png

What are you doing this Halloween? And what do you think should happen in part two?? Honestly, not even I know, this is insane.

14 thoughts on “Anything But Scary – A failed Halloween story

Add yours

  1. OH MY GOSH 😂😂😂

    I have NO CLUE what I just read but it was amazing and hilarious and I loved it!! You should DEFINITELY continue! I NEED MORE. THIS IS BRILLIANT. I don’t know WHAT to suggest, but… Something. Please. I want part two.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahahahaha OMG I’M DEAD!! 😂😂😂 This was hilarious, I was cracking up the whole time! And now I’m strangely invested in this story??? Will Felipe ever win the heart of his lady fair? Will Phillip actually use his final breath to party hard? Are they ever going to ditch the body or is this going to be a Weekend At Bernie’s situation?? I DON’T NEED SLEEP I NEED ANSWERS!!

    Liked by 2 people

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