Replying to Spam (feat. absurd comments and absurd replies)

Buckle up, we’re about to get back at spammers!

I hope you’re up for some nonsense, because that’s exactly what you’re about to get.

You know, bloggers… get a ton of spam comments. Generally speaking.

You can roam the admin area of a blog, and suddenly, BAM, you’ll stumble upon this odd dimension called the “spam tab”, a weird place where bots and fake people leave their mark of strangeness and show how much they enjoyed visiting your site. If you want anything from phony compliments, to Nike shoe ads, to facts about mesothelioma cancer, that’s the place to go.

The thing is, spam comments are useless. And a bit of an annoyance at times, when they manage to escape their prison and jump into more public places. Like the actual comment section of a post.  Where anyone could click their links by accident… And be infected… With an otherworldly virus. So of course, we roll our eyes, bury them deep, and pretend they don’t exist. Or, actually *think* they don’t exist. Or, are *baffled* that they do exist, because, *why?*. This is just common sense.

But, WHAT IF, we went beyond the usual reactions, and… replied to them??

Okay, I just implied this post goes against common sense, so… SO BE IT. We’re letting all the crazy out!! Quite a few months ago, I sent this strange little post into the world, asking you to share your best witty, silly, or salty replies to spam comments, and… You delivered! LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION! Oh, sorry, uhm… I said you had permission to scream that, and no one did, so. I did it. Yeah.

Anyway, this… Is what our replies to the weirdest spam comments would look like. If we were to actually bother to talk to a spamming bot.

THANKS to everyone who’s making this post awesome, you deserve more than the imaginary chocolate I promised. Everyone will be linked below, so you can go ahead and check out their blogs, which are just as awesome as they are. And that’s plenty awesome.

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Oh I see, you read “translation roulette” and picked up that I’m a gambling addict, didn’t you? Sharp deduction. I’m impressed. Now I’m gonna go… Gamble. As I do.

Luana @Bookstormgirl

LOOK AT ME, GAMBLING ALREADY.

“Ꮋi Dear, are you actually visiting this site daily, if so after thaqt you
wіll witһout dօubt get good knowledɡe.”

Sophie @Blame Chocolate

I am not visiting my own blog daily, no, as any of my followers can probably tell you I don’t even visit it once a week nowadays – I’M A BAD BLOGGER. But I do agree that you can get some good knowledge out of it. Most of the time. Ok, rarely. Alright, once in a blue moon if you squint enough. But you can like have fun with it?

Luana @Bookstormgirl

You are all very welcome. Clones. I feel kind of attacked here… Is this some sort of threatening maneuver?

Alex @McWritestuff

First of all, Mark, thanks for saying my site is cool. I appreciate the fact that you began your feedback with something positive to not obliterate my spirits. However, I’m a bit concerned as to why you felt the need to check my domain authority. Surely there couldn’t be an ulterior motive that inspired you to search my DA, assess that it’s below your expectations for such a “cool site”, and inform me about it.
What’s that? You’re trying to sell me a service that will improve my DA? Well, that simply
won’t do, Mark. It’s not that I don’t trust your intentions to be pure and out of goodwill, I just have a natural suspicion towards anyone who “knows a guy”.
Thanks for the offer, but no thanks.

“Hello. And Bye.”

Kristen @Metaphors and Moonlight

Well, umm, thanks, I guess?

Luana @Bookstormgirl

I always make a point of forcing people to read posts on blogs. This just shows I hypnotized you properly! I’m proud, thanks. Keep up the reading, it might help your grammar.

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Clearer?? The post specifically says “No, you’re a computer.” I think that’s clear enough.

“naturally like your website but you have to test the spelling on quite a few of your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling problems and I in finding it very troublesome to inform the reality then again I’ll certainly come again again.”

Sophie @Blame Chocolate

Thank you for your spelling suggestions, I completely trust your judgment based on your impeccable comment. Come again again, I’ll be waiting!

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Wait, you’re telling me I can actually *lose* money with all this gambling? The cards lady never mentioned that! Are you trying to make me go broke?? This… is outrageous. I’m out of here. Don’t try to stop me!

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Done… Done… One question, though, are we trying to redecorate the kitchen, or… tear the house down? Because right now, it looks like both.

Alex @McWritestuff

Alright, listen up, “mate”. I’m glad that your opinion about my site’s temperature hasn’t changed in the last couple days but so did my angle on paying your buddy to increase my DA. How the hell was he gonna do that anyway? Start a sweatshop for people searching my blog on Google to artificially inflate traffic and interest? Besides, if I’m gonna pay some guy to raise my search engine awareness, it better be fucking higher than 58. Looks like your dude needs to step up his own game before he starts a business around it. Oh, you’re happy with this score? You don’t seem that proud of it seeing as you commented the same sage advice twice without providing any link to your oh-so-high ranking website. What do you have to hide, Mark? I’m sure if you’d let me check your DA I would see how piss poor it really was, but nonetheless, you shelled out your cash to some shady dude and now you’re in debt to him. You didn’t read the fine print that you had to find at least one other schmuck to pay for these kinds of services in order to free your soul from his clutches. Now he’s got your wife and kid held hostage in an undisclosed location and you’re desperate for someone else to take the bullet for you. Well, guess what, mate, I don’t click links from Sketchy McKnowsaguy no matter how cool you think my site is.
Best wishes to your family, and keep reading my blog. I got lots of great stuff coming up. Won’t be needing your services, though.

Luana @Bookstormgirl

I’m a bit lost here, I can’t… Paint my puppy house again? What if he gets bored of blue? What if I don’t know how to “do my own family” with an ace puppy house?? What does any of this even mean???

Kaleena @Reader Voracious

This is factually true in this alternate reality hellscape we slid into during 2016.

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Look, I’m very impressed that you managed to catch the underlying legal theme in a post that was, deceptively, about me, but my real question is, hoW DO I hiRe yOu As mY laWyEr??

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Exploding articles sounds a bit aggressive. I was thinking we could do something a little bit… more subtle. Y’know what mean?

Sam @Fictionally Sam

I don’t know Larry he wasn’t that great at hooked on phonics last year.

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Oh boy, are you kidding me, Bryce?? You can’t hint at this stuff in public! Just… sit tight, the package is on its way already. AND STOP USING THE WORD MAIL, THE COPS ARE WATCHING. You owe me one. Tell Daphne I said hi.

Kaleena @Reader Voracious

I might also get a disease, no thanks.

 

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Wait, wait, wait, a… public place? WHY ARE YOU ONLY TELLING ME THIS NOW, I already arranged my first date! I… I’m doomed. This is way worse than creeping worry, what if I don’t have proper coverage, what if I don’t even have the right clothes?? HELP ME PLEASE!!

Alex @McWritestuff

Oh, for fuck’s sake! Lucy!
My site looks “quite ok”? Sorry to say this, but you’re wrong, and Mark agrees with me. Do you know how insulting it is when not even a bot tries to butter you up to click on a link? If you want to convince me to download a virus, you have to put way more effort into it. Come back when you have something more flattering to say, because shit like that won’t get you a single digit of my social insurance number.

And at the very least Mark had the decency to brag with a concrete number that he achieved thanks to his shady businesses, no matter how unimpressed I was. Did you spread your arms when you typed “sooo much”, ’cause I can’t see that, you know?
If that’s the attitude you have towards spreading your buddy’s services, I have to assume you’re not THAT pumped to see your children again. But I’m sure they’ll grow up just fine working in this dude’s sweatshop.

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Are you asking me to lend you some cash? Because that’s just… Not what this site is for.

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Yes! How did you know? I keep the “Made with WordPress” badge to play it smart… Ward off the vampires… You know what I mean.

“This is the kind of info that are meant to be shared across the internet. Disgrace on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!”

Kristen @Metaphors and Moonlight

Yeah, disgrace on you, search engines! Dishonor on your whole family! Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow!

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Okay, okay, I love this game. 3 random things… Long socks are on sale. You have a silly song stuck in your head. Coffee shops will always make you lose a dime… Wait, what was that about increasing a child??

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Oh, awesome, you’re giving me a raise… Wait. Don’t tell the loan guy. He’ll want some of it! Let’s hide before we keep talking.

Kaleena @Reader Voracious

I would rather survive a car crash and possibly pee on myself than die. Also, Click It or Ticket.

Luana @Bookstormgirl

So, Bandarq… Exactly how valuable is my birth date data, and what kind of gang are you gleaning for?

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Oh. Thank you. Is that… 10 dollars 10 cents, or… What do you mean? I’m not trying to sell my blog, to be honest.

“I do agree with all the concepts you have introduced to your post. They are really convincing and can definitely work. Still, the posts are too quick for novices. May you please extend them a little from subsequent time? Thanks for the post.”

Sophie @Blame Chocolate

Harry Potter concepts can be a little difficult to grasp at first but I’m sure we can work on that and put you up to speed in no time! Do check some of my other posts, they’re a bit slower and easier to understand for people wanting to initiate themselves into the magical world. I started at the ripe age of 9, after all, I can’t expect everyone else to be at the same level.

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Let me see, you want to steal my concepts based on the feeling that you *saw* me visit your blog, which is also a playlist of happy morning songs on Spotify… Because you find it adequate. I mean, sure! Go ahead, seems reasonable!

“Have a enjoyable.”

Kristen @Metaphors and Moonlight

I can’t handle the cliffhanger! Have an enjoyable what? Day? Meal?? Satanic ritual???

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Yeah. Sure. So… So what’s your question??

Luana @Bookstormgirl

Oh dear, you have NO IDEA. I’ve just been called a zombie dragon by this guy on Twitter, and I think it’s rather fitting? I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I’m… I’m gonna take a nap. You’re too sweet, bye.

 

Annnd thus ends our brief bout of insanity. Spammers… Consider yourselves heard.

Now tell me, would like to try this out yourself? Because I’m… Making it into a Tag. To keep the fun going. So, if you want to be sassy for a while, just:

1) pick 7-12 spam comments from your blog (odd numbers, I know), 2) write your best replies to them and link back to this post, and 3) tag a few people yourself.  Let’s get this party started. Need help finding your spam? You can see how to do it over here.

I tag you!

Amber • Margaret • Iris • Lost • Loretta • Dev • Ann Marie • Anna • Lauren, Amanda and Kyleigh • Jess and Teagan • Matthew • Ashley • Rain • Cait • Jessica • Kay • Clo