Day of The Dragon (feat. young oldness and all my darkest secrets)

Look, once in a while, some strange things happen.

The moon turns blue and then it’s suddenly on fire, white stags run on lava creeks, and someone decides that it’s a good idea to eat Oreos for breakfast. That someone totally wasn’t me…

But weirder still is when a dragon like me gets a year older and, at age 21, can still get away with using a picture from when she was 12… for her college registration. Like, no one gets how this is possible. I’m starting to think I used some illusion spell on the girl who made my file, because I look *at least* like I’m 16. That baby-face picture shouldn’t have fooled anyone. And yet here we are.

But all this is just to say, hi, it’s my birthday, and I look anything but 21!

I feel like I should try to convince you that I eat Oreos for breakfast, and not fairy souls to keep me eternally young. (It’s neither. I mean, there’s been exceptions. But neither for the most part.)

But I trust you not to lynch me without proper evidence!! So, mysterious youngen looks and breakfast aside, I had to find a way to celebrate this day of the dragon other than just eating pizzaAND I decided to have you guys write a post for me. Muahaha. This is the time when you get to spill all the dark secrets I didn’t even know I had.

I asked a total of 21 wild questions about me for who knows how many days, and based on the answers I got, I’m not sure if I should say I love you, or RUN FOR YOUR LIVES. Assume both are valid options.

So here it is, a very thorough, dubiously accurate profile of me, your queen (or so I’ve been told). It goes well with cake, if you feel like trying that. Definitely not with tea, though. Never tea.

leavesOkay, so, kicking this thing off with a very normal, unsurprising question! … What planet am I from?

Ohhhh we need to find this place, Iris. We belong there.

Nope. It’s why I left, it got lonely boring.

Awwww, you’re too sweet, now I don’t know what to saaaaaay

Only 7 billion?? What about… The cats? And the aliens? And… Goldfish? What happened to them????

It was freezing cold… I wanted to know summer… Before the ice seeped into my bones 😬

Oh, we need to fix that, let’s name it… Uh… No. I got nothing 😬 (And you’re the awesome one!!)

You’d think I’d find this tragic, but, I’m just here thinking all this time I could swap hair colors and never did 🤨

Uhhhhhhhh, okay, makes sense, and we’re twins, so, you were there too? Is that what made us… Some cool kind of weird?

leaves

Moving on to a very scientific assessment of my personality, if I was a book/movie/video game character… Who would I be?

Oh I can get behind that, thouuuugh maybe not as much as I would have a few years ago. But it’ll do! It’s LeviOsa, not LeviosA!

Funny story, that’s my friend/twin’s nickname. He’s reading this right now, and he approves.

Ooh, I got super speed. Give me a second, I’m doing a few laps around the world…

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS??? I’m the kung fu dragon warrior. This is so fitting, it almost makes up for all the dumplings I’d have to eat… Almost. Still, not quite.

Ohhhhhh… Right. I’m sorry, the zombie cats got to me, but I remember now. These leathers are way too comfy for being… Leathers 🤨

I watched the movie just because of this, and I APPROVE. Look at this sassy girl being a book rebel. She’s too great.

That is accurate. Always look over your shoulder.

leaves

Next order of business, what genre would I fit best into? Fantasy, dystopia, romance, Sci-Fi… Youuuu choose.

I’m obviously very experienced… After not dying in any of those three times… Fantasy trilogies are rough.

Book reviews?? Sounds like sass, screams and fangirling. I’ll fit right in.

Not gonna lie, I think that gif scarred me for life. But, yes to the… rest of it…

I would give an opinion on this, but I’m more worried about your lack of coffee right now, are you okay??

Sounds just like me, and theeen it really doesn’t. How about this, everyone *thinks* that I’m pretending for their sake, then, plot twist, it was all real AND they’re going down anyway.

Oh my goodness, that sounds so much like something I’d do, I can’t even 🙈 😂

leavesOkay, tell me, what is my backstory?

Hmmmmmm, I’m… Sorry? I could always multitask! Right?

WHAT????? They told me they found me in a dumpster after a lab accident, and you’re saying that’s a lie??? (That conversation actually happened, make of that what you will.)

Yes. Space, Spain, then you got it wrong, I’m actually at the end of the world. Right by that waterfall… That falls off the planet…

Absolutely. No weird accidents… Just went a got ’em.

Oh… So *that* is how I sprung superpowers at will. It all makes sense now. And my parents knew about this too?? The plot thickens.

leavesChoose me a sidekick! Who should never leave my side?

That’ll be so useful. Fear me, high shelves, I’ll reach you now!

I’ll take it, thank you very much.

Sounds like a great partnership, does she have to go to work still, or can we just… hang?

We’ll have two sidecars, obviously! People can’t know we’re alter egos, they’d try to stop our plans 🤷‍♀️

And how will thou prove thyself?? There’s an initiation ritual, of course. You must pass it.

Where can I find this beautiful beast???

Yes. So much yes. I love it already.

HE WINS. Meet my twin. Mafia consultant, bodyguard, second in command, everything. You wanna kill me, you have to go through him first. Then he kills you. Or I do. Either way, you’re dead.

leaves

And now onto deeper, more philosophical matters… You open my fridge. WHAT’S IN IT??

Sounds perfect to me!

I’m kind of… More worried about whoever’s holding the banana’s hand… Than the banana itself. Do I have people in my fridge?

All the essentials, obviously. Gotta keep the blood thirst at bay. Know anyone who can make chili, though?

Wow, that’s bad, guess I’ll have to live on beiju… *not complaining*

Help, the fridge is broken 😱

This is the most normal answer so far, and YET… It isn’t true 🤷🏻‍♀️

OH MY WORD, I’M FRANKENSTEIN

leaves

I suppose my refrigerated shoulder can’t really kill me, so on to the real threats. What’s my fatal flaw?

I’mmmmmm… Very sorry. Truly. SORRY.

Well, that’s what bodyguards are for, why do you think I hired yo—?? Oh. I see it now. You cold-blooded traitor.

Ha! Joke’s on you, I haven’t had chocolate innnnn… In… Okay, fine. You’re right.

Now *that* might kill me…

This… What? Should I stop wearing flip-flops, then? Will they kill me??

Oh, you’re very wrong there. My AI is equipped with flawless memory. Ask anyone. *robotic wink*

leaves

Alright, name my kingdom! And, I don’t know, pretend this is phrased like a question

I wish. I can’t get the voices to leave 🤪

Me… Too…

Oh, definitely. That frat boy is long dead.

YES!!! I can finally be a dino wrangler, this is so exciting I can’t even—-!!! Oh. Right. Coffee. I’m coming!

YES! I’m totally on board with this. Duel sign-ups in the comments!! Let all the wit loose! (Fights to the death are against regulation, please and thank you. If you want to messily kill someone, it can’t be near the books.)

leavesAnd here’s the hardest question so far, how old am I?? (If you actually know, ignore that, just tell me what you’d have guessed)

YOU KNOW NOTHING!! Okay, I guess you do…

What a… Completely uninformed guess… You clearly don’t know anything either…

Shiny, keeping notes on me is cheating!!!!!!

Ooh, a true guess. Close enough 😁

Oh, that’s Sun’s thing, I’m not skilled enough to copy her fae ways.

Okay, okay, I know we’re so alike that it’s confusing sometimes, but really, you need your coffee!!

YES. THAT’S IT. THANKS FOR SHARING THIS KNOWLEDGE.

Now, that… Explains a lot. Truly.

leavesTime for some regrettable choices… Let’s say I’m getting a tattoo, and you can choose what it’ll be. What… Should it be?

This is… so very specific. I don’t know what to think. Shock.

BEAUTIFUL. I’ll get slow claps for this. All the time.

More turtles?? Is this… A trend I’ve missed? Am I joining a secret society by doing this???

Hmmmmmmmm, you know… It might come as a shock, but I’m not *that* buff, exactly… Just saying.

Ouch. On so many levels.

But, whyyyyyyyyy?

Ha, won’t *that* look mysterious when I go to the beach.

Okay, I like this. Why make up a mystic dragon language when you can fake, and get the same result??

OH MY GOSH, I JUST DIED A THOUSAND TIMES OVER

leaves

 Oh well, why not keep the wild makeover going… What color should I dye my hair?? This won’t end well, I can feel it

WELL, WHO AM I TO DISAGREE??

Oh that’s pretty. I could rock a pirate mermaid look. Drown sailors at night. Sink ships. That kind of fun stuff.

MORE PINK. I’m not so sure about this still, but okay, two votes now.

??????? This is a good idea… In what universe?? No… I… Nope.

Tell you what, you do it too, and we drown the sailors together. (Don’t analyze this plan too much, it’s terrible.)

That’s it! I don’t want to see a flip-flop ever again, I’m done. They’re all going to burn. Someone please bring marshmallows, we have a bonfire.

Perfect! It’ll match my dragon ride. And… soul.

Hair with a cause, not bad!

Oh, you bet I’m dyeing for them already. See? Dyead.

Oh my gosh!! How many enemies to I need for this? Does… blood stick, or will it wash away? These are all weird questions.

And THIS is what happens when you try to please everyone. Look at it!! See what you did to me!!

Image result for weird rainbow hair

leaves

This obviously can’t get any worse now, so let’s cut to the chase… I have a terrible secret. What is it?

Hmmmmm, that *would* be terrible, but, only my cat does, I promise.

*Confused face* *Confused brain* *Confused everything* What am I supposed to do with this??

LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON’T BELIEVE HER!!!!! (Iris, hOw cOuLD YoU?!?!?!)

Um… Yeah. It still haunts me. I’m so sorry 😭

*Wipes away a single tear* You’re a true friend!

This. Is. Too. Much. Yes. Just, yes.

leaves

You’re introducing me to some guy Steve. What do you say?

I would take that threat seriously, this girl’s fierce.

Oh, you’ve gone to such lengths to do this, I think I owe you one… Hey Steve, you’re not a serial killer, are you?

Oh my goodness, I love this too much, aksajkduskduldiodfkjjk

Does he… Reply at this point, or run away from us? We can be scary. This could be scary.

Ehhhhhhh, did I… Did I really need this warning? Yeah? Okay then…

Ugh, no, can I just slap him once and leave?? I don’t want this job!

Finally a cool Steve to meet!!! Thank you, I’ll be the new black widow. This suits me fine.

WHAT???? I dIN’t aSk FoR ThIS, NO! Bye, Steve. See you never, Steve. Why aren’t you gone yet, Steve? Dang it, I have a problem…

leavesI’m done with Steves… What would be a perfect pet for me? Real or fictional, either is fine.

YASSSSS, you know me well 😁

Oh, it could easily pass as some sort of hamster. What does it eat, though?

Aahhhhhh, they’re so dragonish!!

I guess now I know what you’ll give me for Christmas… What’s the best day to leave the country, in your opinion? Asking for a friend.

Looks like a wolf. Meaning, yes, I’ll take it.

WELL I WON’T SAY NO TO THAT!!

They cost $19, I can’t 😭

Ooooh, the hardest creature to keep alive on this planet. This will be a good challenge.

Yes! Here, I got it already. That’s Mr. Plant. I used to call it Nean, but… You make a convincing argument.

Obviously.

AAAAHHHHHHHH, Alex, this is basically pledging your pup in public, you can’t take it back, okay??

leavesNext up in this weird storyline… A prophecy’s been made about me. What is it?

 

Ominous. I’m very concerned. There’s really nothing saying if it’ll be a good or bad change?? I need more information.

Okay! Some good news. It’s all fine for now.

I will???? This sounds so much like a trap. I CAN’T TRUST YOU, IRIS!!! But like… Sure, come over, time for a cookie party 🍪🍪

Perfect, I’ve been wanting that, when’s it happening??

Oh, this explains so much… Does the zombie haze go away once we start dancing?? Because… Let’s start right now.

Is this… IS THIS HOW I CHANGE THE WORLD??

Sounds about right. Vive la révolution, or… something!

Oh yeah? Crimes, you say? Just you wait. You asked for it.

leavesWhat is my worst crime??? Tell me what I did. I want the details.

Eeeeehhhh, yeah that sounds like something I would do. I better hide those bodies better…

Come on now, I’m not *that* much of a heart thief. And I know all her crimes already, who do you think she committed them with??

We did, we did… I’m sorry! It was just better if we didn’t both die before Sunday… Right?

Oh, yeah. That’s what I do, every single day. I don’t need onions every single day, but what’s a day without onion chopping?? I’ll even mix it up now and then, and cut onions *while* dropping from a skyscraper. Exciting stuff.

BOOK. DEALING. I’m… Very aware that I’m addicted, but, that sounds just like the kind of price you’d find where I live. Good thing I have this thriving black market business.

It was my destiny, I had to!! I blame our buddy reads for everything. You’re a terrible influence, Loretta!!!! 😆

Oh. My. Gosh. This is far worse than stealing hearts, I feel terrible, heeeeeelp 🙈

leaves

Plot twist! I’ve disappeared without a trace. No one knows what happened to me. WHAT do you do?

I can’t blame you, seems reasonable enough.

Oooookay. I feel strangely forsaken, but… I’d want to read that.

Are you sure that’ll be effective?? I’m not sure what you’re trying to accomplish here, but you’re going to scare your cats.

I’ll *assume* this is you sensing I’m coming to visit, and not… Carrying on as usual…

Here I am, thinking, finally someone’s trying to do something about it, and instead you almost kill a me that wasn’t really me, and I’m still nowhere to be found! Feeeeel my disappointment!

YES! Everyone, the right thing to do. The right thing to do, everyone. Now you’re all well acquainted. Mafia firs, everything else later. (Say hi to my mafia fiance for me, will you??)

leavesOkay, time to see if you really know your stuff, how did I build my dragon army??

Bahaha, brilliant. I’ll have to hit the Lego store soon, for… Expansions.

Yes! The first one turned into a black cat that looks just like Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon. It guards the house when I’m gone.

It was painstakingly slow, and I’m not okay.

In my defense!!!! Their king was lousy. Okay, that’s not a great defense… I’m sorry? It… had to be done??? The dragons love me for it!

Who says Japanese dragons aren’t real???? *Points at the Japanese dragon squad* My beauties here disagree.

Yesssssss, that’s what. The spider-ham one didn’t work so well, it only eats potatoes… But we’re working on it.

😳😳😳😳😳😳   How poisonous was the tree?? I don’t recall ANY of this!

leavesAlright, surprise me. What would be my most shocking plot twist? Other than… Disappearing without a trace…

Oh. Okay. I’m giving myself bruises while I sleep. Of all the things I could be doing instead…!! And I’m…!! Fighting myself!! This is so unproductive.

I MURDER MY TWIN?? Over dishes??? With a flip flop???? Nope. Don’t like this. Make it something else.

Aw, come on. Don’t cut my wings like this, how am I going to set clouds on fire now?

I did NOT see that coming!!!

*Panicked breathing* YoU cAn’T LiSTeN tO aUtOmaTicALLy GeNErATeD CoMmEnTs, Zay, the bots are psychopaths!! (I’m sorry, this won’t make sense to anyone but him 😬)

Yes. I did it for kicks. It was outrageously fun. Now about the alien thing, we need to talk…

N000000000OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo…!!! Excuse me, I need to go find some ice cream 😭

leavesAh well, that’s enough tragedies, let’s go for some fun stuff… What is *one* thing I should really, really do?

*googling Irish shamrock fields to leap in* 

Do you think I can find them in the field of shamrocks? Since, you know, I’m going to be leaping there for a bit…

No worries. It’s in my prophecy, it’s happening!

What? Why?? Is it… Is it dirty? Is there something on it??

EXCUSE ME????????????????????????????????????????????? Out. Get out of here. Shoo.

Brilliant, I’m coming barefoot in a sundress.

Chocolate and V.E. Schwab?? Iiiiii have no complaints here, when do I start??

leavesAnd, that seems to be just about everything, so on to the biggest, most serious question… How do I die???

 

Sigh, knowledge can’t save you from the clumsy. Does anyone want my dagger collection? I find it dangerous to keep it right now. It’s… Temporary.

So tragic. My death makes the world go dark. *little snort at how dramatic that is*

Aww, that’s nice! But with the kind of life you’ve all given me?? VERY UNLIKELY.

I LAY AN EGG IN THE OCEAN??? Oh my gosh, please remind me to never fly to Cuba. I can’t… Deal with this. Agh.

Oh, the pain! It hurts double, with the quills and the betrayal. I need to mourn myself now.

Lack… Of sleep… We’re so doomed 😳

There are so many bad life choices involved here. Tell the bald guy I never want to see him again. I’m… I’m wearing a blindfold. Okay, this makes a lot of sense now… Yikes.

THANK YOU, SOMEONE WHO WOULDN’T KILL ME! ME. Now our battle of evil will go on forever. Do you… Have enough chocolate saved up??

Talk

And thaaaaat’s it for the wild ride! You all seem to think I’m either a superhero or a heartless villain, so I’m obviously pleased. Now go on and eat some dragonday pizza! And remember that Oreos won’t make you young. Neither will fairy souls. Let the poor fairies live. Pizza is enough.

2 thoughts on “Day of The Dragon (feat. young oldness and all my darkest secrets)

Add yours

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS POST IS AMAZING! 😂😂 (Don’t mind me, reading it almost a month late…)(Ummm… happy very very belated birthday? :P)

    And no I do not have enough chocolate saved up, we should start working on that.

    Liked by 1 person

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