Unwilling Love Stories (feat. disastrously random matchmaking)

It’s Valentine’s Day! Love is in the air, or something! And, I’m probably the 147th person to remind you of this, so let’s just… eat chocolate and write weird love stories.

Look, before anything else, I should say, I’m sorry for some of the things that are about to go down in this post.  If you want to leave now, you’ll be spared some trauma. I wash my hands of this.

Last week, you gave me… a few book character names on Twitter.

Without knowing what I wanted them for. AND I kind of randomly matched them into couples, and gave them strange love stories with a plot generator, and put them in a cheesy couple name generator, and it’s weird, okay?? Just weird!

Half of these couples are disturbing, and it’s *probably* my fault for telling you to name both characters you like and dislike, but… Okay, fine. I had too much fun with this.

So what you’re about to read are a bunch of love letters, songs, breakup notes, romance blurbs and poems from book characters to their… “soul mates”. Disastrously made with a generator, with some heavy edits from, well, me. Be ready to choke at some point, here comes the first couple.

Couple #1

Lara Jean & Peeta Mellark

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before | The Hunger Games

This is the most Hufflepuff couple eeeeever! They’re going to be baking together the rest of their lives. And he paints? And she’s into making scrapbooks? Okay, this might be a little too cutesy for Peeta, actually… But it’ll do. They’re getting a romance blurb. With… Dystopian drama. And lots of cupcakes.

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Couple name: Peetara

Someone like Peeta: A Perfect Chocolate Chip Cookie Romance

Lara Jean is a small, cute and silly girl from Virginia. Her life is going nowhere until she meets Peeta Mellark, a striking, gorgeous man with a passion for baking.

Lara takes an instant disliking to Peeta and the petty and wasteful ways he learned during his years in The Hunger Games.

However, when a mutt tries to maul Lara, Peeta springs to the rescue. Lara begins to notice that Peeta is actually rather kind at heart.

But, the pressures of Peeta’s job as a tribute leave him blind to Lara’s affections and Lara takes up compulsive cupcake frosting to try and distract herself.

Finally, when unrefined tyrant President Snow threatens to come between them, Peeta has to act fast. But will they ever find the perfect chocolate chip cookie love that they deserve?

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You’d have thought Lara would be sold at “gorgeous man with a passion for baking”… Guess the girl is hard to get. Moral of the story: If you mix Contemporary and dystopia, mutts will eat your cupcakes. Aaaand it looks like this generator comes with auto-generated comments, SO WE’RE LOOKING AT THOSE TOO.

Auto Praise for Someone like Peeta

“I fell in love with the selfless Peeta Mellark. Last night I dreamed that he was in my teapot.” – The Daily Tale

That is not normal. Are you sure you’re okay??

“About as enjoyable as being slapped with a dead fish, but Someone like Peeta does deliver a strong social lesson.”- Enid Kibbler

Enid, do tell, have you ever been slapped with a dead fish? Because that would definitely explain whatever social lesson you found here.

“I love the bit where a mutt tries to maul Lara – nearly fell off my seat.” – Hit the Spoof

 Wow, you’re a heartless tyrant. Poor Lara. Okay, though, I almost fell off my seat too.

“I could do better.” – Zob Gloop

Doubt it. You couldn’t fix your own name.

Couple #2

Aelin Galathynius & Maven Calore

Throne of Glass | Red Queen

Oh. My. Word. They’re going to set the world on fire.

A murderous burner royal and a fire breathing assassin queen. I would totally be on board with this, if Maven wasn’t the worst thing to ever wreck my heart. I’m still not over his treason.

But, I guess Maven’s pretty good at writing manipulative love notes, so this going to be a “confess your love” letter. Which is so wrong on so many levels.

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Couple name: Mavelin

Usurping the crown Like Two Murderous Beasts

Dear Aelin,

I have a small confession. Forgive this pouring of my heart.

I cherish the ruins of your ravaged kingdom, where we first met. The moment I clapped eyes on you, I knew you were going to be a fire breathing bitch queen. Recently, I have begun to regard you as much more than just a fire breathing bitch queen.

My feelings for you intensified when I saw you murdering in the moonlight. I was further wowed by your tremendous demon hunting skills.

You have fangs like brutal shards and the most captivating mouth I’ve ever seen. When I look at you, I just want to trace those brutal shard fangs and burn the world with that captivating mouth.

You’re so special with your striking ways. The way you handle your abhorrent enemies shows a great merciless nature and ferocity.

I know that to you I’m just a brutal traitorous prince, but I think we could be happy together, usurping the crown like two murderous beasts.

Please, say you’ll be mine, Aelin!

All my love
Maven Calore

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YOU LIAR, you’ll pay for every single drop of blood you…!!! Sorry, I’ll show myself out.

Couple #3

Katniss Everdeen & Voldemort

The Hunger Games | Harry Potter

I REGRET EVERYTHING. Petition to have Katniss set him on fire. Raise your hands, all in favor.

There’s no way anyone is dating Voldemort. Let’s just say he got lonely and made a dating profile. That sounds terrifying… But okay. Katniss, you’ve been spared! Go home. May the odds be ever in your favor.

The tagline for this generator is “sell yourself in seconds”, this is going to be so disturbing. I totally didn’t choose the “sleazy” profile. Someone else did. Here goes nothing.

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Couple name: eRrOr

Looking for the hottest, smooth nose around

Hello ladies!

I’m a groovy kinda geeza, who likes nothing more than cursing people with the right woman (or women, if I’m lucky – wink wink!).

The first thing people usually notice about me is my awe-inspiring personality, closely followed by my smashing bald head. You may find yourself awed by the caliber of my bald head and slitted eyes. I will be sure to bring myself well-oiled to our date, so that you can appreciate my body to its full.

I work as a dark lord, helping self-serving, power-hungry purebloods. This allows me to exercise my skills: parseltongue and snake shaped pyrotechnics. Dating me will be a little like dating royalty, if royalty were dead inside and had amazing pale skin like mine.

My life goals include:

• Receive a telegram from an owl
• Get jiggy with you
• Have a three-way date
• Become the best dark lord I can be
• Help all the self-serving, power-hungry purebloods in the world

If you’re the right woman for me, you’ll be cunning and bloodthirsty. You won’t be afraid to split your soul in seven and will have a healthy respect for my invincibility.

My ideal date would involve murder in a dark cave filled with inferi (reanimated corpses, if you didn’t know) with a snake-like woman by my side. While we’re there, I lick your smooth nose and imagine retelling the occasion to my mates.

I promise I’ll turn up to our date looking good and smelling amazing. You’ll have no personal hygiene worries, and I hope I’ll be able to say the same about you.

And I’ll leave you with a quote from the one-and-only Harry Potter: “It seems as though I always knew I’d have to face him in the end.”

Light me fire, babe

Lord Voldemort

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I’m… So sorry. For everything.

Couple #4

Luna Lovegood & G (Gifford Dudley)

Harry Potter | My Lady Jane

I can kind of see this working… I bet Luna would never make horse jokes. She’d think he’s an animagus, and he’d write her terrible love poems that she’d love every single time… So a cheesy love poem it is.

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Couple Name: … Lung? I guess they need each other to breathe now

For My Dreamy Apples – A Love Poem

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Nargles are awesome,
And so are you.

Orchids are white,
Ghost horses are rare,
Horse manes are wild,
And so is your hair.

Magnolia grows,
With buds like eggs,
Most people are human,
And so are your legs.

Sunflowers reach,
Up to the skies,
Some things are protuberant,
And so are your eyes.

Foxgloves in hedges,
Surround the farms,
Your radish earrings are orange
And so are your arms.

Daisies are pretty,
Daffies have style,
Hares are so likable,
And so is your smile.

Apples are beautiful,
Just like you.

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That is… gloriously bad. G would approve.

Couple #5

Legend & Elara Merandus

Caraval | Red Queen

Oh, this is just bizarre. Now to come up with a somewhat reasonable explanation… I guess Elara got bored after she killed her husband, and decided to mess with someone’s brain. Stole all of Legend’s secrets. Blackmailed him. Used her mind control on him. And then she had to go on a little trip, so Legend’s using the distance to break up with her while he can. So here’s a breakup letter.

I didn’t have much to go on for this one, and you’ll probably know just *what* was part of the generator’s random suggestions the moment you see it…

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Couple name: Legendara (the alternative sequel to Caraval, in a universe where Legendary is just not weird enough)

Goodbye Elara

Dear Elara,

To me, you are like a poisonous snake and I’m not sure that I need a poisonous snake in my life right now.

Things started to go wrong when I caught you playing puppeteer with my troupe of actors.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s just that your son is extremely incendiary and your ex-husband is, without a doubt, the most dead person I’ve ever known.

It’s true, we’ve had some spiffing times performing together. You have eyes like tasteless icy ponds and the sharpest hands I’ve ever seen.

Your personality is like a really smooth slug digging into my skull. When I see you walk it makes me want to steal your beetroot knees and post them to Venus.

I lie in bed at night, wishing you were a singing dressmaker and not a snake who likes to play puppeteer with my troupe of actors.

What I’m trying to say, is take your sharp hands and go.

Yours no more
Legend

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“Steal your beetroot knees”, I can’t even, aaahhhh

Couple #6

Trent Burton & Kate Harker

None, he’s too dull to be in a book| This Savage Song

 

Who’s Trent Burton, you ask?? Absolutely no one. This guy survived the generator testing phase, somehow, which makes him a terrible fake book character. Not much is known about him, other than he’s stupid, his mom tried to kill him, and he has a soft spot for dark angels. I think he’ll like Kate Harker just fine, with her whole monster hunter, villain style. She’ll completely ignore the fact that he exists, though. Here’s his flirty first message, which she’ll never read.

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Couple name: Katrent

Could you be that special dangerous (but not mortal or mediocre) one for a dull neighborhood hygiene supervisor?

Hey, how are you?

I read your profile and you sound dangerous.

Are you interested in cutting grass? It’s one of my favorite pastimes. If you’ve seen my profile, you’ll know that I’m stupid and you’ll have noticed my pointy knees. I hope these won’t be a problem for you?

Looking through your photos, you look very unearthly beautiful and extremely brooding. I particularly like your stunning fallen angel features.

You’re not mortal or mediocre though, are you? I don’t think so. But from your profile, I can’t quite be sure. I’m really not after somebody mortal or mediocre, so please put me out of my misery.

Let me tell you a funny story that happened to me today. I took my cat, Cheeto to the vet and said, “My cat is cross-eyed… is there anything you can do for her?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at her.” So, he picked Cheeto up and examined her eyes, then took her temperature.”

Eventually, he said, “I’m going to have to put her down.”

Naturally, I was horrified. “You’re going to put her down just because she’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because she’s really heavy.”

Seriously, though. I’ve had a great day, helping hooligans and stray dogs. My job as a neighborhood hygiene supervisor is really rewarding. I’m told I’m a very dull man.

Come out with me this weekend, and I’ll show you just how dull I can be.

Love from
Trent Burton

P.S. There’s a small chance that I might already be romantically entangled with a dark angel of death. If this is a problem for you, please give me plenty of notice.

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He’s such a catch, isn’t he?? Kate doesn’t know what she’s missing.

Couple #7

Kaz Brekker & Dolores Umbridge

Six of Crows| Harry Potter

NO, NO, NO!!! I can’t do this. I quit.

Okay, I don’t quit, BUT WHY WOULD YOU PEOPLE PUT UMBRIDGE IN HERE?? You make things so hard for me. I’m shaking my head at all your poor life choices. *suppressed sob*

There’s no way she’s getting a love story, I think we can all agree on that. Kaz is going to make her suffer. It’s kind of tempting to just give her a “smelly troll” plot, but… I’ll settle for the aggressive hate letter from a neighbor. Kaz is the neighbor. She’s the troll.

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Couple name: No. Die, Umbridge.

Enough with your kitten plates and stupid pink curtains

Here’s the deal, I have always felt revolted living near you. You are the grossest neighbor a person could ever meet, and the whole large, pale toad look? Not helping.

Therefore, you must understand how difficult it has been for me to approach you with this matter.

I can no longer stand your kitten plates.

I lay in bed last night, trying to sleep, and all I could think about was those… Horrid… Kitten plates. I had a nightmare that you burst in through the window brandishing some… Biscuits and tea, or whatever. I’m scarred for life.

I have to insist that you take action to stop your kitten plates from upsetting me. I demand that you cover them up with a sheet. Break them. Burn them in a cannibal fire ritual, just, do something, woman!

And while we’re on the matter, I’m finding your pink curtains increasingly inexcusable. They do nothing to muffle that sickly sweet, high pitched croak that you call a voice. Will you keep it down already? No one cares about your half-breed obsession and sociopathic idiocy. Get some sound-proofing.

If you don’t rectify the situation I shall have no choice but to take you down. Don’t think people will side with you, they know you’re worse than a serial killer.

Furthermore, I have close ties with the Dregs and I won’t be afraid to cash in a few favors if you don’t comply with my demands. Brick by brick, I will destroy you.

I nurture my grudges. See to it that there are no foul plates left.

Kaz “Dirtyhands” Brekker

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Okay. That’ll show her. I think. Will it? Maybe there should be a few dementors involved…

Couple #8

Kell Maresh & Lila Bard

A Darker Shade of Magic | A Darker Shade of Magic

Okay, these guys are fated. Not even the random couple matcher could keep them apart!.

I bet they had something coming up they were supposed to do together, and then Lila went wild and changed the whole plan. I’m just going to give her an “excuse” letter, she’ll need it…

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Couple name: Kila

My second mate had the plague and I set drunk sailors on fire

I’m sorry I didn’t show up to the boring thing at the palace.

I was just on my way there when I saw on the scrying boards that my ship was being stolen by drunkards.

I decided to show up anyway, as you are important to me and I feel we’ve really made a connection, but then I heard from Stross that my second mate had been taken to the hospital, suffering from the plague. Even then, I still tried to make it on time, but I was just about to keep walking when Alucard showed up, having heard about my second mate and wanting to check I was okay.

Alucard said, “I know you want to do the right thing by Kell, but your friend is in the hospital and might not last the night.”

Gutted, I went to the hospital and sat with the second mate for a bit. I guess I must have talked about you a lot, because he looked at me and whispered, “This bloke is special, you need to nurture this.”

So I said my goodbyes – it was a bit tear-jerking, but I got through it, keeping your winning smile at the forefront of my mind – and left the hospital so that I could show up to the thing (I really don’t remember what it was anymore). But to my surprise, I saw the drunk sailors who were trying to steal my ship. I stopped to handle the situation, naturally.

By the time I got away, it was almost midnight. I don’t like to blow my own trumpet, but I like to think there was a minimum of casualties. Only half the tavern burned down. I only hope it’s not at the expense of our friendship.

So I’m sorry I didn’t show up at all. I hope you won’t kick off when I’m in such a fragile state, worried for my second mate’s life and protecting my precious ship. What do you think? Can you give an old fool another chance?

Love from

Lila Bard

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Very convincing. Kell will be sold on it by the time he reads the third line.

Couple #9

August Flynn & Astrid Dane

This Savage Song | A Darker Shade of Magic

Look, I get that they’re both some kind of monster, but someone please get August away from that psychopathic woman! He doesn’t deserve this.

I bet she just snatched him somewhere and turned him into one of her braindead toys. He’s going to break the spell somehow and REAP ASTRID’S SOUL!!!

I guess he might not have his violin nearby, so I’m giving him a song. Not a love song, mind you. This is going to be the darkest Adele spoof there’s ever been.

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Couple name: AA. Stands for, Abhorrent Atrocity

Let the Mouse Travel – In the style of Adele

(yes, I’m totally keeping the random title)

Maakt and England is where we start
A thousand miles and Londons apart
Where worlds collide and days are dark
You may have my life, you can take my song
But you’ll never have my heart

I heard that you took the crown
That you found a Antari and you own him now
I heard that your twisted dreams came true
Guess that Holland gave you things I didn’t give to you

But there’s a fire starting in my eyes
Reaching a fever pitch, as I come close to going dark

Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ‘head and live a little and I’ll ready your death verse
See how I leave with your very rotten soul
Don’t underestimate a deadly sunai song

Never mind, I’ll kill someone like you
I wish nothing but the worst for you too
Forget yourself, I beg
I’ll remember you said,
You don’t like things that don’t belong to you

Where you go I go
What you see I see
I know I’d never be me
Without the dead stare
Of your cruel eyes
Freeing me from harm
Put your red soul in my hand
And I’ll stand

This is the end
Hold your weapon and count to ten
Hear a single note play and then
Behold my eyes again

There’s no such thing as safe

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Well, that was rather… Weird. But it gets the job done, so. Go sunai!

Couple #10

AND, *someone* thought it’d be a good idea to put my name in as a book character

Now let me tell you just why they were wrong. I’m about to write myself as an undead dragon. And I’ll burn whoever dares get close, to ashes. I’ll kill potted plants if I have to. Devour a village. Set the sky on fire. There’ll be NO dates this Valentine’s day. So, let’s see who’ll be my hapless victim.

Aaaaanndd it’s… Oh. Oh. Oh. Thomas Cresswell. I actually don’t want to kill him. I guess he can stick around if he survives this plot?? He’s used to getting death threats from his crushes, right? It’ll be fine. And I love him already, we all know this. Here’s to making a guy’s life impossible.

Me & Thomas Cresswell

Some dark book with dragons | Stalking Jack The Ripper

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Couple name: don’t even try or I’ll murder you

Kill of a Were-dragon – A Paranormal Romance

Thomas Cresswell suspected something was a little off when his sleepy chaperone tried to kill him when he was just six years old. Nevertheless, he lived a relatively normal life among other humans, cutting corpses open and collecting organs.

It wasn’t until he crashed into the devilishly stunning were-dragon, Luana, that his life finally began to make sense.

However, Luana proved to be wild and seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with burning things to ashes. Thomas soon learned that Luana had taken an oath never to swallow a human whole.

When Thomas’s sleepy chaperone is injured in a bloody, unfortunate scarf knitting accident, Thomas realizes his own life is at risk, but doesn’t give up on his infuriating flirting and Sherlock-y ways, because he’s unbearable like that.

Despite Luana’s fiery eyes and smoky tendencies, Thomas finds himself falling for the were-dragon. Only fate will decide whether she protects him or shreds him to pieces.

One night, a drunk middle-aged dad appears before Thomas and warns him of a darkness within Luana. The middle-aged dad gives Thomas the cursed scalpel – the only weapon that can defeat a stunning were-dragon.

Will Thomas find it in himself to kill the only creature who has ever made him feel truly dead? (Hint: yes!)

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Oh this is SO disappointing. My Valentine wants to kill me. I have to deal with this, we’re done here… Well, after the auto praise. Then I’m gone.

Auto Praise for Kill of a Were-dragon

“Oh my golly gosh – where can I find myself a tasty deadly were-dragon?”

– The Daily Tale

Okay, control yourself, you’re so not going to find me in your teapot.

“Oh please! Like a human would ever be able to kill a were-dragon with a cursed scalpel!” – Enid Kibbler

I know, right?? This is ridiculous, I’m being so underestimated here.

“I didn’t like the sleepy chaperone at all and was glad when the bloody, unfortunate accident happened.” – Hit the Spoof

You’re still a heartless monster. Mrs. Harvey was nothing but a kind… slightly intoxicated… clumsy… soul!

“The blurb spoilt the plot. I don’t need to read it now.” – Zob Gloop

That’s what you think. Wait until I break my vow and swallow some humans whole.

 

You should probably never let me write about romance again, but I won’t complain if you do. Haaaave a happy Valentine’s day, whether you care for it or not, and tell me whatever you’re treating yourself to.