As I have mentioned publicly in the past, one of my least horrible secrets is the makeshift prison I keep in my basement.
Ya know, the one for all the bloggers who’ve said “lookit, something cool for you to post”, and were immediately filed under “this is something I want to do
sometime, someday, in five years”.
I’ve been lucky so far that the authorities didn’t take my post seriously, *probably* because I don’t actually have a basement. But that’s beside the point.
There’s a bunch of people who tagged me in posts and awards and haven’t seen the light in months, and I try to keep things fun and cool, but I’m running out of food to feed them. It’s… It’s worse than it sounds.
So yes! Today is mass prison release day. Because I say so. My prisoners will join the free masses, and either miss me lots or not at all because there’s no in-between, obviously, and then hopefully they can also get some food somewh—
Alex: Did somebody say “eggsalad sandwich”? Cause I got a recipe for disaster. It’s MEEEEEEE.
WHAT THE… What on earth are you doing here??
Alex: Oh, funny story. I was just booting up my laptop, waited half an hour for the old thing to get to the desktop, then I started hammering my keyboard violently, and since that’s how people used to hack computers in the 90’s, I got into your mainframe. And here I am, providing a public service. Because if you’re not answering those tag questions, then I will do it for you.
But… I am?? That’s literally… what I’m about to do.
Alex: Not if I have something to say about it. And I have a lot to say, ever since you bested me in the challenge of wits and followers.
Oh come on, you can’t still be salty about that. Wait, why’s my text blue??
Don’t worry about that change. Just a minor tweak to establish the main voice in this post. Let’s bend those words to my will, literally, get some italics going. You are Italian, right?
Luana: Only my fake mafia fiance — no, forget that, you can’t just take over my post! This is ridiculous, I – BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Alright, we’ll keep that one on mute for a hot minute and get down to business. Here are a bunch of questions Lu got from various bloggers, answered by yours truly, Alex McHotstuff.
If you would write a book, which genre would it be?
Luana doesn’t write genres, she defines them. Much like with fashion by cutting her own hair with kiddie scissors, or with electronics by frying her laptop to bits with an overwhelming amount of web designing.
When Luana writes a book, the genres bend to her will like ice cream in hot fudge.
It is very likely that once Luana writes a book, we will not be able to fathom its “genre” and therefore explode, like hot fudge ice cream on an overheated laptop.
OH COME ON, STOP MUTING M— oh. That’s actually quite harmless for your first answer.
I’m only letting you talk because the beeping is worse than your frantic pleas for mercy. Hope you’re not allergic to gravity, cause this is about to go downhill.
… You’re the worst.
What superpower would you love to have?
Ah, superpowers. I’ve heard a lot of humans wish to obtain these, and Luana is no different. As her inner demon, I can see that her desire for greatness doesn’t lie in the usual powers like strength, speed, or flight. No, Lu to the Ana wants to have the power to rap like a forty-year-old white man.
She has succeeded in nearly anything she strided for…strode for?
Pretty sure you mean strived.
This is exactly why my segment, on my esteemed blog, is called “How to German” not “How not to use the wrong word that just vaguely sounds like the one you meant”.
Anyway, regardless of what I meant, where’s the fun in achieving all you strideth for if you can’t even rap like a middle-aged dude from the suburbs? Have you ever pretended to rap that badly, just because you know if you aimed for the opposite spectrum, you’d suck anyway, so at least you could go for comedy? It takes something supernatural to pull that off without actually being Ted, the friendly guy with the fanny pack next door. If only Luana had those powers, too.
I would never use them if I did.
You sure? I know for a fact that you’d love to transform your coughing tics into sub-par beatboxing.
And you’re still the worst.
What is one book that surprised you (because you didn’t expect it to be so good)?
I know for a fact that no book surprised Luana more than my very own current WIP. She has seen some plot details and a few sneak peeks and she’s all for it, just like you should be. Follow me on Twitter for updates on that and any other useless content.
Smooth indeed. I’m sure no one noticed what you just did there.
Oh that’s too bad, I’ll have to try harder then.
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, GUYS!
What place would you love to visit next?
It’s hard to believe but Luana has never been underground before.
You’d know if you had, now shush, I’m giving a tour de Luana here.
Sure, she stomped through mud in a mad race against a mud-goblin, and got caught under an avalanche on the moon (long story, don’t even ask), but she never actually went underground. Not even for some sightseeing.
I mean, only one-fourth of that is actually true.
I’m sure she’d love to check out the Great Wall of China’s dead protesters, the Statue of Liberty but from underneath (18 plus, adults only), or even the Lizard Pyramids.
Lizard Pyramids are a thing? I do want to see those.
…made by lizards not made out of lizards. I was going for “wacky conspiracies” while you headed straight for “Eldritch horrors”.
Both options come as a surprise.
That’s more of an M. Night Shyamalan thing and we don’t do that here.
What’s your most embarrassing childhood memory (only tell if you’re comfortable with sharing it)?
Oh, I’m comfortable with sharing alright. That one time she farted in front of all her classmates right after sending the Demogorgon back to the Upside Down.
Okay, rude!! It was… before sending it back. And no one noticed. I think.
That Demogorgon loves to gossip.
Who inspired you to publish your blog?
I know she would want to say “Ryan Reynolds” but in truth, that is only because he reminds her so much of her blogging idol Alex McHotstuff from mcwritestuff.com.
You see, Alex McHotstuff from mcwritestuff.com is a blogger, and thanks to Alex McHotstuff from mcwritestuff.com Luana is inspired to blog, despite her being in the scene for years before Alex McHotstuff from mcwritestuff.com even started.
But that just shows you the charismatic and hypnotic influence Alex McHotstuff from mcwritestuff.com can have.
Yes, what is it? Do you have a question for me regarding the award-winning website mcwritestuff.com?
They get it. Move on.
What book do you recommend the most to your friends?
If my WIP was already out, boy she’d be smashing people’s heads in with the kindle version. But since that’s not the case, I’d say she would mostly recommend the printed out pages of my website, stapled together haphazardly (the only way to hap, after all, is hazardly).
Uhhhh, you sure that counts?
That’s how they did it back in the days, when no one could read the ten commandments cause there was no Wifi and only Egypt had a solid connection. So they 3D-printed them on stones. Are you saying that’s not valid now?
However, if we’re going by the meaning of “book” book, then I dunno, Harry Potter or something? That’s the one with the Vampire falling in love with the Hungry Games, right?
Yeah. That’s the one. For sure.
Who is your favorite fictional character?
There can be only one. Luana won’t shut up about this character. It’s the guy from the ShamWow commercials. We all know he can’t be real, because “Television” doesn’t exist; it’s just something Baby Boomers invented to force us to pay taxes.
There’s so much to process here, but okay, I’ll bite, what the heck is ShamWow?
You know it better than anyone else. One might even say it absorbed all your attention.
If you can visit a fictional place, where will you go?
Australia. It’s not real, guys.
…!! Who hurt you?
Remember the girl who violently asked for my number and wanted to go for a run, only to bail on me last minute, ghost me, and pretend nothing happened?
I’m sure nothing happened, you… You need some sleep.
Look, Phuong, if you’re reading this. I just wanna know what happened. Was it just a dare? Were you drunk and regretted it immediately? I need answers. Text me.
Is there an animal/creature (fictional or non-fictional) that matches your personality? What is it and why?
Oh, you think there is an obvious answer here, huh? Think you could deduce from the bookstorm logo or the constant mention of a certain mythical creature what Luana’s preferred answer would be? Ha! Insolent fool! Have you not paid attention? (Seriously, that was the upfront fee to get entry. How did you get here?) *I* am in charge of answering her questions and such answers do not fall into the category of “straight forward”. It’s more “wonky batonky” and I will continue that theme!
I’m so happy about that and not extremely annoyed, go ahead.
If Lu was an animal/creature, she would be Amaterasu, the Japanese deity portrayed as a wolf in the classic game “Okami”.
Seems fine so far…
Amaterasu’s main ability is to make the sun rise, and despite Luana’s attempts at being a queen of darkness, we all know she’s more likely to bring sunshine.
WAIT A MINUTE, are you actually trying to be sweet now?
You could look at it that way, but I’m also undermining your entire image as a semi-villain (the “semi” is for how short you are).
That’s… I mean, you’re not much taller.
That’s like saying “winning first place is not far from third”. Point is, I’m taller.
What are your other hobbies aside from reading?
There’s a number of things she likes to do outside of reading. Here’s a quick list: collecting blog tags, not posting something awesome when I really want her to already,
On purpose, by the way. To torture you.
… eating chocolate, glaring disappointedly,
At you, who else.
… sleep-dancing, cracking open a cold one with the boiz,
Now that’s unexpected…
…disguising herself as a beggar and cursing arrogant royalty, eating lettuce with hot sauce,
I don’t like lettuce!
Hence the hot sauce for added flavour, duh. Now stop interrupting my flow.
…miming vague events from her daily life to an audience of oddly attentive leprechauns, and watching movies.
You realize that list makes no sense, right?
Who am I to judge your hobbies?
What fictional character would you want to date and why?
When it comes to fictional characters Luana is very open about anyone that strikes her fancy.
Yes. The funny annoying jerks, mostly.
This is not the time to suck up to me.
… I’m not??
The most frequent one she can’t have enough of is Kirsten Stewart’s portrayal of Bella Swan from the Twilight series.
Wait, what? How do you expect to pull this off, I haven’t even watched the movies.
Like with all other things, I just follow my head-cannon in which you did not only see them, you consumed them with a passion.
Something about Kay-Stew’s performance really struck a chord with Luana. She was mesmerized the moment she saw her expressionless face and bland acting. Some would call that “an actor being bad at their job” but Luana saw the deeper meaning. Bella Swan wasn’t just an empty vessel for teenage girls to portrait themselves in, no, she was an enigma. This mystery woman wasn’t a faceless husk of nothing; she was a question waiting to be answered. That’s really all Luana wants in a romance with a fictional character: the unknown, the surprise, the look of “I don’t know if you’re alive in there”. So romantic.
I’m not alive in here after that.
Oooh, finally visiting the underground, huh?
You’re not doing me any favors.
What would a date with this fictional character look like?
Eating flavourless cornflakes (no milk) in front of a freshly painted wall (preferably in grey) waiting to see what happens first: the paint drying or the fumes causing unintentionally fun hallucinations.
Dreadful. I’ll pass.
Don’t deny yourself the pleasures of your deepest fantasies.
Is there a ship you really hate?
Cornflakes and milk. That just doesn’t fly, like, what is this? Soup?
Oh, wait, that’s my answer, sorry, Luana hates the Titanic.
… Any particular reason for this?
How many other ships do you know? Hitler’s Nazi U-boat would have been a bit of a stretch, I’d say.
What’s your favorite trope when it comes to book relationships?
In reality, Luana loves the banter but what kind of answer would that be? A boring one, of course. We’re not here to eat dry cornflakes with Kizzle Stizzle, so let’s have some fun with this answer. Lulu is famously known for her love of awkward sex scenes.
Oh… my… gosh.
Not good ones, just the awkward scenarios where neither the characters nor the reader enjoys what’s going down. It’s those scenes that happen out of nowhere and then rely on way too creative descriptions of the event to try and mask the lack of personal experience the author has with intercourse.
… Okay, how long did it take you to come up with this one?
The curse of being witty (and handsome, but that’s an unrelated side-effect) is that all of that stuff bounces in my head within an instant from whatever triggered the event. If I don’t let it out, there will be death and destruction raining from the heavens. So, like, you’re welcome?
Yes, I’m better off for it, of course.
What makes a good book for you?
Luana only accepts “New York Times bestsellers” as good books. She specifically loves how 95% of books on the market have that label slapped on them at any given time, as if “selling the most copies” doesn’t really apply to obtain that title. The world we live in truly is great. It’s just not “best seller” great, but we can’t all be appreciated by one single outdated magazine in a specific location.
Seriously, why is every book a NY Times bestseller? They can’t all be the best seller. “Best” implies “above all others”. I’d ask them what their deal is but they keep leaving me on read. You’re just like Phuong, NY Times!
Ah, your level of delusion…
Who is one fictional character that you relate to?
Luana is an avid fan of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and that show brings a lot of colourful characters. The one that she relates to the most is the cabbage salesman.
Out of all the awesome characters, you pick this???
It asked which one you related to, and I haven’t seen you bend any water recently, so yeah.
This character is just minding his business (the cabbage business, to be exact) when the main characters, for a brief moment of terror, smash into his life and quite literally into his cabbage cart, destroying his merchandize. This happens several times throughout the series and Luana feels that. Every time she thinks life is going well, BAM, I come in and wreck her nutrient-lacking vegetables.
… okay. Yes. That’s somewhat accurate, I’ll take it.
What’s your favorite post that someone else has written?
Why, thanks for asking, I’m sure we can find something in the blogosphere that Luana appreciates a lot. If only I knew of an exciting blog that I could share in Luana’s name right here. Hmmm, what could it be? Oh, right, how about my famous Badvice on How to get over a breakup? After all these shipping questions, this should be one everyone needs to be aware of.
Ah right, so fitting considering how I just went through a breakup too.
You and Kirz-Stirz aren’t together anymore?
It didn’t work out, why are you surprised? Nothing you set up can go well.
What’s one book that doesn’t get a lot of attention that you really love?
Not everyone knows this, but if you’re an avid reader of Lu’s blog, then you should, because she mentioned it. Luana wrote a book once herself, when she was a wee little one and barely had any dark magic within her.
NO, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT THAT.
Right before her fateful bond with a demonic bowl of chilli, Luana published a book about…something in Spanish. Look, I dunno, man, I found it on the internet once but only because I knew the secret recipe for that chilli, and even I can’t read it. That’s how rare, forbidden, and underappreciated that book is.
Then why… are you still talking about it??
As much fanfare as it caused in her local community of “people who speak a language that isn’t mine and therefore that language is invalid”, it didn’t really spark an international uproar like other child superstars.
Listen to me, shuuuush!!
And that’s why we need to give it the proper fanfare now.
Go through the bookstormgirl blog and find out about her confessions (hint, hint).
Are you done?
Well, there’s a few more questions to answer, so not DONE done, who knows if the book makes another cameo or not.
Oh snap, what is that? It’s coming right at us! It looks like… boy it sure looks versatile. Oh wow, it’s another award!
But rather than answering questions it just asks for 7 facts about you.
Funny enough, the first and only time I participated in the Versatile Blogger Award, I tagged Luana in it. So we can add her imprisonment of my tag in her musty dungeon to the revenge plot of today’s blog-post dismemberment. It would be rude not to give out her seven facts. Let’s do this.
Luana does not have eyes on the back of her head, which is difficult to prove because she has hair. However, we can also not confirm that the front of her face is, in fact, the true front, so who knows what’s really hiding beyond the veil of her locks.
Fine, that’s true. As… Shocking as it may be.
Luana has the ability to communicate with anyone who speaks her languages.
Including telepathy at times. I made you subconsciously want to eat that one ham sandwich you didn’t like, and I would do it again.
I counter your ham sandwich with the aforementioned eggsalad sandwich. Huzzah! *chucks sandwich into the sky triumphantly*
Ah, thanks. Really wanted to have a sandwich fall on my head today.
At a certain point in her life, Lu fell through a space-time-vortex and appeared back in time in her current body. She has no memory of her past life, which is good ’cause it wasn’t that eventful anyway, and she’s now trying to avoid tripping into vortexes because it makes her queasy.
Also makes people claim I have kids when I don’t. “People” being you. It’s bad business.
Agreed, kids are horrible. Bad for your career and your complexion. Avoid at all cost, jump through vortexes as needed.
… sure, exactly what I meant by that.
There’s a magic forest out there somewhere and you can find it, but the gates have been closed and no one can enter. That forest is a book. That book was written by a girl. That girl is a dragon tattoo… Wait, no, she has a dragon tattoo? Well, she drew it on with a pen, but it counts.
So you slander my fake tattoo, AND bring up my book again, does your cruelty never end?
I do take breaks for lunch and dinner, but any other time I’m cruelling.
Luana’s website, on which we are all making ourselves at home right now, is called “bookstormgirl” because of the three things that define her the most: booking vacations in Bali; storming the Normandy on cold winter nights, and firing up the grill while cracking open a cold one with the boiz (she misspelled “grill” but can’t change it now).
These sound almost like fun, except, I don’t trust you.
Wow, just because I invaded the privacy of your blog and caused mischief all over this post with no regard for your sanity, suddenly you don’t trust me? I’m outraged.
No, don’t worry, I have a long list of other, much worse reasons.
Hang on, those aren’t valid reasons until the court says so.
The court isn’t valid.
M. Night Shyamalan, what are you doing here again?!
She never had tacos, but believes that the planet Earth is shaped like one, folded at the equator. In her opinion, “Ragnarok” is the end of the world by all of us falling out the sides of our planet as soon as the drunk gods take a bite out of their midnight taco trip. Eating tacos is blasphemy and a vile taunt towards those deities.
Look, um… I’m going to eat a taco just to prove you wrong. Someday.
*gasp* The prophecy!
*Sigh*, there’s no winning for me.
There’s a sword at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean that, if retrieved by one who is worthy, can grant powers beyond anyone’s imagination. Luana may be the last remaining descendant of a tribe of people, who also didn’t speak a language known to men (who only speak their own language), and is in line as number 34 of worthy ones who may wield that sword, but she’s just way too busy right now.
I didn’t know about this. Why on earth didn’t you tell me sooner??
Stuff came up.
Okay, so that’s it? You’re done bugging me?
Yeah, I think that should cover it. Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe if you want me to invade Luana’s blog full-time.
You are never stepping in here again. Mind you, can you at least mention the people who sent the questions?? It’s the proper thing to do.
That sounds like actual work, so Imma let you do that.
SMOKEBOMB! *runs off farting*
I… Oh, you’re… Ugh. Here are the cool people who tagged me! Thank you, and… I’m so sorry for your loss.
Rain and Noly for the Liebster and Unique Blogger awards, which here have been destroyed, Sara, for the Entertainer tag that turned a weird kind of entertaining, Loretta, for accidentally giving me a breakup with Bella Swan in the Relationshipper tag, Mandy, who didn’t deserve to be wronged like this after the Versatile award, and the dreadful McHotstuff himself, who used a tag to force me to meet him, and deserves no nice comment. You all rock. Except for Alex. He does not.
Okay! I think my blog is safe from invaders now, so um, back to our regular schedule, which is… Just as weird, I suppose. Don’t follow Alex! Or do! Whatever. I don’t even know.